Some "funny" stuff:

Dick Cheney is the second US executive officer to shoot someone in the face and chest.

Bill Clinton was the first.

Here's a place that turns almost any web site into a porn site - just type the web address into the top of the site, and press the button. For some fun, after you go to the "modified" site, retype what's in the top address-entry box, but don't hit return. Show it to a co-worker who will think your site has been hacked. This is also a good troubleshooting utility - to see if you can get to a web site from another place: www.pornolize.com.

Once upon a time there was a horse and a chicken who were good friends. One day, while they were playing near the farm's pond, the horse stepped into a hole of quicksand. The horse rapidly sank and was yelling for his friend, the chicken, to save him. The chicken thought for a minute, then ran away.

The chicken ran back to the farmhouse, and jumped into the farmer's 735csi BMW. Luckily, the keys were in the ignition, and the chicken managed to start the car, and put it in gear. It raced over to the sinkhole, where the horse had almost disappeared by now. The smart chicken tied a rope around the back of the BMW and threw the other end around the front legs of the horse. The chicken hopped back in the driver's seat and stepped on the gas. Ever so slowly, the horse eased out of the quicksand and jumped to safety.

The horse, still on shaky legs, stuttered: "You just saved my life. Thank you!" The chicken just said, "Don't mention it - That's what friends are for!!" They returned the BMW and went out to dinner together in the barn yard.

A few days later, the horse got up from a good night's rest, and heard some muffled cries for help coming from the backyard. The horse followed the sounds and came upon a terrible scene. There was his best friend, the chicken, stuck in a hole of quicksand! The sand was already up to its neck-feathers and the cries for help had almost stopped.

The horse took a quick look around: No rope in sight and the farmer had gone to town with his BMW. What to do? The horse took a deep breath and spread his body and legs out over the hole. His member was dangling down right above the poor chicken. "Here, my friend, grab my thingy and I will pull you to safety!" With its last bit of energy, the chicken grabbed hold of the big horse-thingy and the horse straightened its body, pulling the chicken from its trap. With one big step, both were on solid ground and safe.

The chicken slumped down on the ground, exhausted: "Now You saved my life, my friend!!" The horse just smiled. And what is the moral of this story? ... If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.

One afternoon a little girl returned home from school and announced that her friend had told her where babies come from. Amused, her mother replied: "Really sweetie, why don't you tell me all about it?" The little girl explained, "Well... Okay... the Mommy and Daddy take off all of their clothes, and the Daddy's thing sort of stands up, and then the Mommy puts it in her mouth, and then it sort of explodes, and that's how you get babies." Her Mom shook her head, leaned over to meet her eye to eye, and said, "Oh honey, that's sweet, but that's not how you get babies. That's how you get jewelry."

A lady purchased a piece of timber land in Oregon. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted to get a good view of her land, so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top, she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the lady slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her private parts. In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor.

The doctor listened to her story then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She sat and waited for three hours, before the doctor reappeared. The angry lady demanded, "What took you so long?"

The perturbed doctor replied, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, The Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area."

--- cat.gif

"There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast." --Anonymous

"Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this." --Anonymous

"In a cat's eye, all things belong to cats." --English proverb

"Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message and get back to you later." --Mary Bly

"There are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all owned by cats." --Anonymous

"There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life: music and cats." --Albert Schweitzer

"Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God." --Anonymous

Static IP - a network number assigned to a computer that sits in one place.
Static ISP - an ISP that won't be bought out by a bigger ISP.

Political funnies:
Senator: "The United States has made a lot of progress over the last 120 years."
Reporter: "It sure has. President Washington couldn't tell a lie, and now every politician in Washington can."

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face. The egg is frowning and looking a bit upset. The egg mutters to no one in particular: "Well, I guess we answered THAT question!"

A guy was lost and walking in the desert for two weeks. One hot day, he sees the home of a missionary. Tired and weak, he crawls up to the house and collapses on the doorstep. The missionary finds him and nurses him back to health. Feeling better, the man asks the missionary for directions to the nearest town. On his way out the door, he sees a horse. He goes back into the house and asks the missionary, "Could I borrow your horse and give it back when I reach the town?" The missionary says, "Sure but there is a special thing about this horse. You have to say 'Thank God' to make it go and 'Amen' to make it stop."

Not paying much attention, the man says, "Sure, ok." So he gets On the horse and says, "Thank God" and the horse starts walking. Then he say, "Thank God, thank God, " and the horse starts trotting. Feeling really brave, the man said, "Thank God, thank God, thank God" and the horse just takes off. Pretty soon he sees this cliff coming up and he's doing everything he can to make the horse stop. "Whoa, stop, hold on!" Finally he remembers and says, "Amen!" The horse stops 4 inches from the cliff. The man leans back in the saddle, closes his eyes, and says, "Thank God"....

----

1. What does HMO stand for?

It's actually a variation of the phrase "Hey, Moe!" Its roots go back to a concept pioneered by Dr. Moe Howard: A patient can be made to forget about the pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eyes. Modern medical practice replaces the physical finger poke with hi-tech equivalents such as voice mail and referral slips, but the result remains the same.

2. Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?

No. Only those you need. And a doctor is not the determinor of need, as he's just a money-grubbing parasite, and thus is not impartial enough to make that judgment.

3. How difficult will it be to choose the doctor I want?

Only slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. We will provide you with a book listing THE doctor participating in our plan. We don't pay him much, thus he can't be money-grubbing enough to impede his impartiality. And his office is just a day's drive away from you. And he's extended his office hour to one and a half hours.

4: What are pre-existing conditions?

This is a phrase used by the grammatically challenged when they want to talk about existing conditions. Unfortunately, we appear to be pre-stuck with it.

5: Can I get coverage for my pre-existing conditions?

Certainly, as long as they don't require any treatment.

6. What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?

You'll need to find alternative forms of payment.

7. My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the name brand. I tried the generic medication, but it gave me a stomach ache. What should I do?

Poke yourself in the eyes.

8. I have an 80/20 plan with a $200 deductible and a $2000 yearly cap. You reimbursed the doctor for my outpatient surgery, but I'd already paid my bill. What should I do?

You have two choices: Your doctor can sign the reimbursement check over to you, or you can ask him to invest the money for you in one of those great offers that only doctors and dentists hear about, like windmill farms or frog hatcheries.

9. What should I do if I get sick while traveling? Try sitting in a different seat.

10. No, I mean what if I'm away from home and get sick?

You really shouldn't do that. You'll have a hard time seeing your primary care physician (the one that's only a day's drive from you). It's best to wait until you get home, then get sick.

11. I think I need to see a specialist, but your participating doctor insists he can handle my problem. Can a general practitioner really perform heart transplant surgery right in his office?

Hard to say, but considering that the $10 co-payment is all you're risking, there's no harm in giving him a shot at it.

12. What accounts for the largest portion of health care costs?

Doctors trying to recoup their investment losses.

13. Will health care be any different in the next century?

No, but if you call right now, you might be able to get an appointment by then.

---

Psycho Dad Theme Song

Who's that riding in the sun?
Who's the man with the itchy gun?
Who's the man who kills for fun?
Psycho Dad, Psycho Dad, Psycho Dad.

He sleeps with a gun
but he loves his son
Killed his wife 'cos she weighed a ton.
Psycho Dad, Psycho Dad, Psycho Dad.

A little touched or so we're told
Killed his wife 'cos she had a cold
Might as well she was gettin' old
Psycho Dad, Psycho Dad, Psycho Dad.

He's quick with a gun
And his job ain't done.
Killed his wife by twenty-one,
Psycho Dad!

Who's that riding in the sleigh?
Who's that firing along the way?
Who's roughing up bums on Christmas day?
Psycho Dad, Psycho Dad, Psycho Dad

Who's the tall, dark stranger there.
The one with the gun and the icy stare.
The one with the scalp of his ex-wife's hair!
Psycho Dad, Psycho Dad, Psycho Dad!

Who's that riding across the plain?
Who's lost count of the wives he's slain?
Who's the man who's plumb insane?
Psycho Dad, Psycho Dad, Psycho Dad

He's a durn good pa, but he hates the law.
He's likes to eat it raw, He's Psycho Dad!



Label Madness:

On SEARS hair dryer: Do not use while sleeping.

On a bag of FRITOS: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.

On a bar of DIAL soap: Directions: Use like regular soap.

Some SWANSON frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost.

On a hotel-provided shower cap in a box: Fits one head.

On TESCO's Tiramisu desert: Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)

On MARKS & SPENCER Bread Pudding: Product will be hot after heating

On packaging for a ROWENTA Iron: Do not iron clothes on body

On BOOT's Children's Cough Medicine Do not drive car or operate machinery

On NYTOL (a sleep aid): Warning: may cause drowsiness

On a Korean kitchen knife: Warning keep out of children

On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights: For indoor or outdoor use only.

On a Japanese food processor: Not to be used for the other use

On SAINSBURY's Peanuts Warning: contains nuts

On an UNITED AIRLINES packet of nuts: Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.

On a Swedish chain saw: Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.

----
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists, two men and a woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside of this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair, Kill Her!!!"

The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job." The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said, "This gun is loaded with blanks! I had to beat him to death with the chair."

----
Can you imagine working at the following Company? It has over 500 employees with the following statistics:
*29 have been accused of spousal abuse
*7 have been arrested for fraud
*19 have been accused of writing bad checks
*117 have bankrupted at least two businesses
*3 have been arrested for assault
*71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
*14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
*8 have been arrested for shoplifting
*21 are current defendants in lawsuits
*In 1998 alone, 84 were stopped for drunk driving


Can you guess which organization this is? Give up? It's the 535 members of your United States Congress. The same group that perpetually cranks out hundreds upon hundreds of new laws designed to keep the rest of us in line.

A quote from Ross Perot: "My role in life is to be the grain of sand that irritates the oyster that creates the pearl."

Clinton's mastery of English: "I never had sexual relations with that woman, Monika Lewinski". (This gave the illusion he was talking to the American people, when in actuality, the pause indicates he was talking only to Monica!)

Media funnies:
1-31-97: "President Clinton's approval rating is now 70% and most Americans don't care what he's done as long as the economy is ok."

8-18-98: "President Clinton misled the public" (he *lied*)

James Bond was in a coffee shop. An attractive woman was reading her newspaper. He walked over and tried his best line: "Bond...James Bond." She looked up, smiled, and replied, "Lost...Get lost."

---

A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room, and has him put his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead.

The man, clearly agitated - and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion.

The vet goes into the back room, comes out with a cat, and puts the cat down next to the dog's body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, poking and sniffing the dog's body and finally looks at the vet and meows. The vet looks at the man and says,

"I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead too." The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead. The vet brings in a black Labrador The lab sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too."

The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes.
The vet answers, "$650."
"$650 to tell me my dog is dead?!" exclaimed the man.

"Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the cat scan and lab tests."

--------

The Spoon:
I took some clients out to dinner last week, and I noticed a spoon in the shirt pocket of our waiter as he handed us the menus. It seemed a little odd, but I dismissed it as a random thing. Until our busboy came with water and tableware; he, too, sported a spoon in his breast-pocket. I looked around the room, and all the waiters, waitresses, busboys, etc. had spoons in their pockets.

When our waiter returned to take our order, I just had to ask, "Why the spoons?" "Well," he explained, "our parent company recently hired some Andersen Consulting efficiency experts to review all our procedures,and after months of statistical analyses, they concluded that our patrons drop spoons on the floor 73% more often than any other utensil; at a frequency of 3 spoons per hour per workstation. By preparing all our workers for this contingency in advance, we can cut our trips to the kitchen down and save time...nearly 1.5 extra man hours per shift."

Just as he concluded, a "ch-ching" came from the table behind him, and he quickly replaced a fallen spoon with the one from his pocket. "I'll grab another spoon the next time I'm in the kitchen instead of making a special trip," he proudly explained. I was impressed. "Thanks. I had to ask." "No problem," he answered, then he continued to take our orders. As the members of my dinner party took their turns, my eyes darted back and forth from each person ordering and my menu. That's when, out of the corner of my eye, I spotted a thin, black thread protruding from our waiter's fly. Again, I dismissed it; yet I had to scan the room and, sure enough, there were other waiters and busboys with strings hanging out of their trousers. My curiosity overrode discretion at this point, so before he could leave I had to ask. "Excuse me, but what about that string?"

"Oh, yeah" he began in a quieter tone. "Not many people are that observant. That same efficiency group found we could save time in the Men's room,too." "How's that?" "You see, by tying a string to the end of our, eh, selves, we can pull it out at the urinals literally hands-free and thereby eliminate the need to wash our hands, cutting time spent in the restroom by over 93%!"

"Oh, that makes sense," I said, but then thinking thru the process,I asked "Hey, wait-a-minute. If the string helps you pull it out, how do you get it back in?" "Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the other guys; but I use my spoon."

---

A man meets a gorgeous woman in a bar. They talk, they connect, and they end up leaving together. They get back to her place, and as she shows him around her apartment, he notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears. Hundreds of small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge bears on the top shelf along the wall.

The man is kind of surprised that this woman would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but he decides not to mention this to her. He turns to her... they kiss... and then they rip each other's clothes off and make love. After an intense night of passion, as they are lying there together in the afterglow, the man rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?"
The woman says, "You can have any prize from the bottom shelf."

--- Grandmom bought a bumper sticker for her old 1985 Buick. She Writes:
The other day I went to the local religious bookstore where I saw a "Honk if you really love Jesus" bumper sticker. I bought it, and put it on the back bumper of my car, and I am really glad I did. What an uplifting experience followed. I stopped at the light of a busy intersection just lost in thought about the Lord, and did not notice that the light had changed. That bumper sticker really worked. I found lots of people who love Jesus. Why the guy behind me started to honk like crazy. He must really love the Lord, because he leaned out his window and yelled "Jesus Christ", as loud as he could. Why, it was like a football game with him shouting. "Go Jesus Christ, Go"! Everyone else started honking too, so I leaned out my window and waved and smiled to all those loving people. There must have been a guy from Florida back there because I could hear him yelling something about a sunny beach, and I saw him waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I had recently asked my two grandsons what that meant. They kind of looked at each other, giggled, and told me that it was the Hawaiian good luck sign, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. A couple of people were so caught up in the joy of the moment, that they got out of their cars


In France, a man decided to end his life and left nothing to chance. He stood at the top of a tall cliff and tied a noose around his neck. He tied the other end of the rope to a large rock. He drank some poison and set fire to his clothes. He even tried to shoot himself at the last moment. He jumped and fired the pistol. The bullet missed him completely and cut through the rope above him. Free of the threat of hanging, he plunged into the sea. The sudden dunking extinguished the flames and made him vomit the poison. He was dragged out of the water by a kind fisherman and was taken to a hospital, where he died of hypothermia.

----

Signs Seen:

Plumber: "We repair what your husband fixed."
Pizza shop slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one Weak."
Door of a plastic surgeons office: "Hello, can we pick your nose?"
At A Laundry Shop: "How about we refund your money, send you a new one at no charge, close the store and have the manager shot. Would that be satisfactory?"
On an Electricians truck: "Let us remove your shorts."
In a Nonsmoking Area: " If we see smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
On a fence: "Salesman Welcome, Dog food is expensive."
Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment Necessary, we hear you coming."
Outside a Hotel: "Help! We need inn-experienced people."
Inside a Bowling Alley: "Please be quiet, we need to hear a pin drop."
In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully, we'll wait."

Snob: Admit it, you've always looked up to me. Underling: Yes, but it's not much of a view!

Subject: Learn Chinese in 5 Minutes:
English phrase - Chinese Interpretation
Are you harboring a fugitive? -- Hu Yu Hai Ding?
See me A.S.A.P. -- Kum Hia Nao
Stupid Man -- Dum Gai
Small Horse -- Tai Ni Po Ni
Your price is too high!! -- No Bai Dam Ding!!
Did you go to the beach? -- Wai Yu So Tan?
I bumped into a coffee table -- Ai Bang Mai Ni
I think you need a facelift -- Chin Tu Fat
It's very dark in here -- Wai So Dim?
Has your flight been delayed? -- Hao Long Wei Ting?
That was an unauthorized execution -- Lin Ching
I thought you were on a diet -- Wai Yu Mun Ching?
This is a tow away zone. -- No Pah King
Do you know the lyrics to the Macarena? --Wai Yu Sing Dum Song?
You are not very bright -- Yu So Dum
I got this for free -- Ai No Pei
I am not guilty -- Wai Hang Mi?
Please, stay a while longer. -- Wai Go Nao?
Our meeting was scheduled for next week -- Wai Yu Kum Nao
They have arrived -- Hia Dei Kum
Stay out of sight -- Lei Lo
He's cleaning his automobile -- Wa Shing Ka
Your body odor is offensive -- Yu stin ki pu
Pew! does this bathroom stink! -- Hu Flung Dung?


We are Dyslexia of Borg. Prepare to have your ass laminated.


Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day.

When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory.

Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before.

When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.

At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:
Dearest Wife, Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
PS. Sure is hot down here. 

Subject: Degrees of Cold

"Cold" is a relative term.  Use the handy list below to overcome the
confusion.

Degrees (Fahrenheit)
65	Hawaiians declare a two-blanket night
50	Miami residents turn on the heat
45	Vermont residents go to outdoor concerts
40	You can see your breath
	Californians shiver uncontrollably
	Minnesotans go swimming
35	Italian cars don't start
32	Water freezes
25	Ohio water freezes
	Californians weep pitiably
	Minnesotans eat ice cream
	Canadians go swimming
20	Politicians begin to talk about the homeless
	New York City water freezes
	Miami residents plan vacation further South
15	French cars don't start
	Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you
10	You need jumper cables to get the car going
5	American cars don't start
0	Alaskans put on T-shirts
-10	German cars don't start
	Eyes freeze shut when you blink
-15	You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo
	Arkansans stick tongue on metal objects
	Miami residents cease to exist
-20	Cat insists on sleeping in pajamas with you
	Politicians actually do something about the homeless
	Minnesotans shovel snow off roof
	Japanese cars don't start
-25	Too cold to think
	You need jumper cables to get the driver going
-30	You plan a two week hot bath
	Swedish cars don't start
-40	Californians disappear
	Minnesotans button top button
	Canadians put on sweaters
	Your car helps you plan your trip South
-50	Congressional hot air freezes
	Alaskans close the bathroom window
-80	Hell freezes over
	Polar bears move South
	Viking Fans order hot cocoa at the game
-90	Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets


"Should I stay out of stocks and watch them go up, or should I get into stocks and make them go down?"

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. "In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."
A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."

Home Page for Nothing
(To the tune of "Money for Nothing" by Dire Straits)

Now look at them yo-yos, that's the way you do it - You write the code that runs the WebTV.
That ain't workin', that's the way you do it - Get yer home page for nothin' and your hits for free.

Now that ain't workin', that's the way you do it Lemme tell ya, them guys can code.
Maybe get some backing 'fore they even have a product - Maybe in a month they'll IPO.

Custom config delivery - We got to install all of these browsers - They got to all speak HTTP.

See that little doofus with the glasses and the cowlick?
Yeah buddy, that's his own code.
That little doofus got a billion options. That little doofus he just IPO'd.

We got to install Netscape Web Servers - Custom config delivery.
We got to install all of this fiber- We gonna need a big ol' T3.

I shoulda learned to code in Java - I shoulda learned some CGI.
Look at that web page, they got it dancin' right across the screen. It almost looks alive.
And what's he downloading now? Hawaian noises?
He's banging on that keyboard like a chimpanzee.
Aw, that ain't workin', that's the way you do it - Get yer home page for nothin' and your hits for free.

We got to install Netscape Web Servers - Custom config delivery.
We got to install all of these proxies - They got to all speak HTTP.

Now that ain't workin', that's the way you do it - You write the code that runs the WebTV.
That ain't workin', that's the way you do it - Get yer home page for nothin' and your hits for free.
Home page for nothin', Hits for free.

--------- Bill Gates died in a car accident. He found himself in Purgatory being sized up by God...

"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in the world and yet you created that ghastly Windows 95. I'm going to do something I've never done before. In your case, I'm going to let you decide where you want to go!"

Bill replied, "Well, thanks, God. What's the difference between the two?" God said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly if it will help you make a decision." "Fine, but where should I go first?" God said, "I'm going to leave that up to you." Bill said, "OK, then, let's try Hell first." So Bill went to Hell.

It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters. There were thousands of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining and the temperature was perfect.

Bill was very pleased. "This is great!" he told God, "If this is Hell, I REALLY want to see Heaven!" "Fine," said God and off they went. Heaven was a high place in the clouds, with angels drifting about playing harps and singing. It was nice but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a quick minute and rendered his decision. "Hmm, I think I prefer Hell" he told God.

"Fine," retorted God, "as you desire." So Bill Gates went to Hell. Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When God arrived in Hell, he found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming amongst the hot flames in a dark cave. He was being burned and tortured by demons. "How's everything going, Bill?" God asked. Bill responded - his voice full of anguish and disappointment, "This is awful, this is not what I expected. I can't believe this happened. What happened to that other place with the beaches and the beautiful women playing in the water?" God says, "That was the screen saver".

------

For a great "mind reading" card trick, check out this.

These are things people actually said in court, word for word:

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

--------

A little boy surprised his grandmother one morning and brought her a cup of coffee. He made it himself and was so proud. He anxiously waited to hear the verdict on the quality of the coffee. The grandmother had never in her life had such a bad cup of coffee, and as she forced down the last sip she noticed three of those little green army guys in the bottom of the cup. She asked, "Honey, why would three little green army guys be in the bottom of my cup?" Her grandson replied, "You know grandma, it's like on TV, 'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup.'"

A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day, carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!" After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office. The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk. The president was curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?" The old lady replied, "I make bets." The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?" The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square." "Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!" The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?" "Sure," said the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!" The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 am as a witness?" "Sure!" replied the confident president. That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet. The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the president's balls are square!" The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them. "Well, Okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure." Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The president asked the old lady, "What the the matter with your lawyer?" She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 am today, I'd have The Bank of Canada's president's balls in my hand."

A lady approaches her priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest inquired. "They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Want to have some fun?'" "That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship." "Thank you!" the woman responded. The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say, "Hi, we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?" One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!"

Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and GOD was tired of hearing the two bickering. Finally, GOD said, "Cool it! I'm going to set up a test that will run for two hours and I'll judge who does the better job." So Jesus and Satan sat down at their respective keyboards and typed away. They moused, did spreadsheets, wrote reports, faxed, and emailed. They even sent emails with attachments. They downloaded, did genealogy reports, and made greeting cards. They did every known computer task, but ten minutes before the test ended, lighting suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled - and the electricity went off. Satan stared at his blank screen and began screaming every curse word known to the underworld. Jesus sighed. The electricity finally came back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan searched frantically, screaming, "It's gone, it's all gone! I lost everything when the power went out!" Meanwhile, Jesus quietly printed out all his files from the past two hours. Satan observed this and became irate. "Wait! He cheated! How can he do that?" GOD looked at Satan, shrugged his shoulders and said, "Jesus saves."

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Dear Tech Support:
Recently I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting software, severely limiting access to wardrobe, flower and jewelry applications that operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalls many other valuable programs such as DinnerDancing 7.5, CruiseShip 2.3, and OperaNight 6.1 and installs new, undesirable programs such as PokerNight 1.3, Saturday Football 5.0, Golf 2.4 and ClutterEverywhere 4.5. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and invariably crashes the system. Under no circumstances will it run DiaperChanging 14.1 or HouseCleaning 2.6. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix Husband 1.0, but this all purpose utility is of only limited effectiveness. Can you help, please!
Sincerely, XXX

Dear XXX:
This is a very common problem women complain about, but it is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 with no idea that Boyfriend 5.0 is merely an ENTERTAINMENT package. However, Husband 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and was designed by its creator to run as few applications as possible.

Further, you cannot purge Husband 1.0 and return to Boyfriend 5.0, because Husband 1.0 is not designed to do this. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Boyfriend 5.0 to emulate Husband 1.0, so nothing is gained. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system, once installed. Any new program files can only be installed once per year, as Husband 1.0 has severely limited memory. Error messages are common, and a normal part of Husband 1.0.

In desperation to play some of their "old time" favorite applications, or to get new applications to work, some women have tried to install Boyfriend 6.0, or Husband 2.0. However, these women end up with more problems than encountered with Husband 1.0. Look in your manual under "Warnings: Divorce/Child Support." You will notice that this program runs very poorly, and comes bundled with HeartBreak 1.3. I recommend you keep Husband 1.0, and just learn the quirks of this strange and illogical system.

Having Husband 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults [GPFs]. This is a wonderful feature of Husband 1.0, secretly installed by the parent company as an integral part of the operating system. Husband 1.0 must assume ALL responsibility for ALL faults and problems, regardless of root cause. To activate this great feature enter the command "C: \I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME". Sometimes Tears 6.2 must be run simultaneously while entering the command. Husband 1.0 should then run the applications Apologize 12.3 and Flowers/Chocolates 7.8.

TECH TIP! Avoid excessive use of this feature. Overuse can create additional and more serious GPFs, and ultimately YOU may have to give a "C:\ I APOLOGIZE" command before the system will return to normal operations. Overuse can also cause Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5.

Just remember! The system will run smoothly, and take the blame for all GPFs, but because of this fine feature it can only intermittently run all the applications Boyfriend 5.0 ran. Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend HotFood 3.0, Lingerie 5.3 and Patience 10.1. Used in conjunction, these utilities can really help keep Husband 1.0 running smoothly.

After several years of use, Husband 1.0 will become familiar and you will find many valuable embedded features such as FixBrokenThings 2.1, Snuggling 4.2 and BestFriend 7.6. A final word of caution! Do NOT, under any circumstances, install MotherInLaw 1.0. This is not a supported application, and will cause selective shutdown of the operating system. Husband 1.0 will run only Fishing 9.4 and Hunting 5.2 until MotherInLaw 1.0 is uninstalled.

I hope these notes have helped. Thank you for choosing to install Husband 1.0 and we here at Tech Support wish you the best of luck in coming years. We trust you will learn to fully enjoy this product!
Tech Support

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A man walked into the ladies department of Macy's, one of the largest department store chains. He shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife." "What type of bra?", asked the clerk. "Type?", inquires the man. "There is more than one type?" "Look around," said the sales lady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color, and material. "Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only three types of bras," she said. Confused now, the man asked what were the types. The sales lady replied, The Catholic Type, the Salvation Army type, and the Baptist type. Which one did you need?"

Still confused the man asked, "What is the difference between them?" The lady responded, "It is really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills."

Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.

An ad seen in the New York Times:
FOR SALE BY OWNER Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000.00 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last weekend. Wife knows everything.

It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.

If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.

Stress reducer: Put a bag on your head. Mark it "Closed for remodeling." *caution - leave air holes.

I finally got my head together, and my body fell apart.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right place, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.

Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.

You don't stop laughing because you grow old; you grow old because you stop laughing.

Age is important only if you're a cheese.

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because they didn't smell and they are silent".The doctor says "I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week."The next week the lady goes back, "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the heck you gave me, but now my farts...although still silent, they stink terribly."Good", the doctor said, now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing.


A college student walked into his ornithology class and found five birds with bags over their heads so only their feet showed. "What's this?'" he asked.
"It's an exam", explained the professor. "Your job is to identify each bird by looking at its feet."
"What a stupid test," complained the student.
"What's your name?" demanded the angered professor. The student pulled up the legs of his pants and answered, "You tell me".

The President of Harvard made a mistake by prejudging people, and it cost him dearly. A lady in a faded dress and her poorly dressed husband, stepped off the train in Boston, and walked timidly (without an appointment) into the president's outer office. The secretary could tell in a moment that such backwoods, country hicks had no business at Harvard and probably didn't even deserve to be in Cambridge. She frowned. "We want to see the president," the man said softly. "He'll be busy all day," the secretary snapped. "We'll wait," the lady replied.

For hours, the secretary ignored them, hoping that the couple would finally become discouraged and go away. They didn't. And the secretary grew frustrated and finally decided to disturb the president, even thought it was a chore she always regretted to do. "Maybe if they just see you for a few minutes, they'll leave," she told him. And he sighed in exasperation and nodded.

Someone of his importance obviously didn't have the time to spend with them, but he detested gingham dresses and homespun suits cluttering up his outer office. The president, stern-faced with dignity, strutted toward the couple. The lady told him, "We had a son that attended Harvard for one year. He loved Harvard. He was happy here. But about a year ago, he was accidentally killed. And my husband and I would like to erect a memorial to him, somewhere on campus." The president wasn't touched he was shocked. "Madam," he said gruffly, "We can't put up a statue for every person who attended Harvard and died. If we did, this place would look like a cemetery."

"Oh, no," the lady explained quickly, "We don't want to erect a statue. We thought we would like to give a building to Harvard. The president rolled his eyes. He glanced at the gingham dress and homespun suit, then exclaimed, "A building! Do you have any earthly idea how much a building costs? We have over seven and a half million dollars in the physical plant at Harvard." For a moment the lady was silent. The president was pleased. He could get rid of them now. And the lady turned to her husband and said quietly, "Is that all is costs to start a University? Why don't we just start our own?" Her husband nodded. The president's face wilted in confusion and bewilderment. And Mr. and Mrs. Leland Stanford walked away, traveling to Palo Alto, California where they established the University that bears their name, a memorial to a son that Harvard no longer cared about.

HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE BILL CLINTON'S FRIEND?
The following is a list of dead people connected with Bill Clinton:
James McDougal - Clinton's convicted Whitewater partner died of an apparent heart attack, while in solitary confinement. He was a key witness in Ken Starr's investigation.
Mary Mahoney - A former White House intern was murdered July 1997 at a Starbucks Coffee Shop in Georgetown. The murder happened just after she was to go public with her story of sexual harassment in the White House.
Vince Foster - Former white House councelor, and colleague of Hillary Clinton at Little Rock's Rose law firm. Died of a gunshot wound to the head, ruled a suicide.
Ron Brown - Secretary of Commerce and former DNC Chairman. Reported to have died by impact in a plane crash. A pathologist close to the investigation reported that there was a hole in the top of Brown's skull resembling a gunshot wound. At the time of his death Brown was being investigated, and spoke publicly of his willingness to cut a deal with prosecutors.
C. Victor Raiser II & Montgomery Raiser - Major players in the Clinton fund raising organization died in a private plane crash in July 1992.
Paul Tulley - Democratic National Committee Political Director found dead in a hotel room in Little Rock, September 1992. Described by Clinton as a "Dear friend and trusted advisor".
Ed Willey - Clinton fund raiser, found dead November 1993 deep in the woods in Virginia of a gunshot wound to the head. Ruled a suicide. Willey died on the same day his wife, Kathleen Willey, claimed Bill Clinton groped her in the oval office in the White House. Ed Willey was involved in several Clinton fund raising events.
Jerry Parks - Head of Clinton's gubernatorial security team in Little Rock. Gunned down in his car at a deserted intersection outside Little Rock. Park's son said his father was building a dossier on Clinton. He allegedly threatened to reveal this information. After he died the files were mysteriously removed from his house.
James Bunch - Died from a gunshot suicide. It was reported that he had a "Black Book" containing names of influential people who visited prostitutes in Texas and Arkansas.
James Wilson - Was found dead in May 1993 from an apparent hanging suicide. He was reported to have ties to Whitewater.
Kathy Ferguson - Ex-wife of Arkansas Trooper Danny Ferguson, died in May 1994. Was found dead in her living room with a gunshot to her head. It was ruled a suicide even though there were several packed suitcases, as if she was going somewhere. Danny Ferguson was a co-defendant along with Bill Clinton in the Paula Jones lawsuit. Kathy Ferguson was a possible corroborating witness for Paula Jones.
Bill Shelton - Arkansas state Trooper and fiancee of Kathy Ferguson. Critical of the suicide ruling of his fiancee, he was found dead in June, 1994 of a gunshot wound at the gravesite of his fiancee. Also ruled a suicide.
Gandy Baugh - Attorney for Clinton friend Dan Lassater died by jumping out of a window of a tall building January, 1994. His client was a convicted drug distributor.
Florence Martin - Accountant - Sub-contractor for the CIA, related to the Barry Seal Mena Airport drug smuggling case. Died of three gunshot wounds.
Suzanne Coleman - Reportedly had an affair with Clinton when he was Arkansas Attorney General. Died of a gunshot wound to the back of the head, ruled a suicide. Was pregnant at the time of her death.
Paula Grober - Clinton's speech interpreter for the deaf from 1978 until her death December 9, 1992. She died in a one car accident.
Danny Casolaro - Investigative reporter. =A0Investigating Mena Airport and Arkansas Development Finance Authority. He slit his wrists, apparent suicide in the middle of his investigation.
Paul Wilcher - Attorney investigating corruption at Mena Airport with Casolaro and the 1980 "October Surprise" was found dead on a toiletJune 22, 1993 in his Washington DC apartment. Had delivered a report to Janet Reno 3 weeks before his death.
Jon Parnell Walker - Whitewater investigator for Resolution Trust Corp. Jumped to his death from his Arlington, Virginia apartment balcony August 15, 1993. Was investigating Morgan Guarantee scandal.
Barbara Wise - Commerce Department staffer. Worked closely with Ron Brown and John Huang. Cause of death unknown. Died November 29, 1996. Her bruised nude body was found locked in her office at the Department of Commerce.
Charles Meissner - Assistant Secretary of Commerce who gave John uang special security clearance, died shortly thereafter in a small plane crash.
Dr. Stanley Heard - Chairman of the Chiropractic Health Care Advisory Committee died with his attorney Steve Dickson in a small plane crash. Dr. Heard, in addition to serving on Clinton's advisory council, personally treated Clinton's mother, stepfather and brother.
Barry Seal - Drug running pilot out of Mena, Arkansas. Death was no accident.
Johnny Lawhorn Jr. - Mechanic, found a check made out to Clinton in the trunk of a car left in his repair shop. Died when his car hit a utility pole.
Stanley Huggins - Suicide. Investigated Madison Guarantee. His report was never released.
Hershell Friday - Attorney and Clinton fundraiser died March 1, 1994 when his plane exploded.
Kevin Ives & Don Henry - Known as "The boys on the track" case. Reports say the boys may have stumbled upon the Mena Arkansas airport drug operation. Controversial case where initial report of death was due to falling asleep on railroad track. Later reports claim the 2 boys had been slain before being placed on the tracks. Many linked to the case died before their testimony could come before a Grand Jury.
THE FOLLOWING SEVEN PERSONS HAD INFORMATION ON THE IVES/HENRY CASE:
Keith Coney - Died when his motorcycle slammed into the back of a truck July, 1988
Keith McMaskle - Died stabbed 113 times, Nov,1988
Gregory Collins - Died from a gunshot wound January, 1989
Jeff Rhodes - He was shot, mutilated and found burned in a trash dump in April 1989.
James Milan - Found decapitated. Coroner ruled death due to natural causes.
Jordan Kettleson - Was found shot to death in the front seat of his pickup truck in June 1990.
Richard Winters - Was a suspect in the Ives/Henry deaths. Was killed in a set-up robbery July 1989

THE FOLLOWING CLINTON BODYGUARDS ARE DEAD Major William S. Barkley Jr., Captain Scott J. Reynolds, Sgt. Brian Hanley, Sgt. Tim Sabel, Major General William Robertson, Col. William Densberger, Col. Robert Kelly, Spec. Gary Rhodes, Steve Willis, Robert Williams, Conway LeBleu, Todd McKeehan.

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"The Weight Loss plan"
A fellow was reading the paper one day lamenting the fact that his doctor has ordered him to lose 75 pounds. Next thing he sees is an advertisement for a guaranteed weight loss program. Guaranteed like heck, he thinks to himself. But lets see what they can do. He calls them on the phone and subscribes to the 3 day,10 pound weight loss program.

The next day there comes a knock at his door, and when he answers, there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic 21 year old lady dressed in nothing but a pair of Nikes and a sign hanging around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me." Well, without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her. After they are through he kisses the girl one last time and thinks to himself with a nod, I like the way this company does business.

For the next two days, the same girl shows up and the same thing happens each time. On the fourth day, he weighs himself and, sure enough, he has lost 10 pounds. Deciding that he likes his somewhat more slender physique, not to mention the method of treatment, he calls the company back and subscribes to their 5 day, 20 pound weight loss program. He thinks that losing 20 pounds in only 5 days seems like a lot, but he is intrigued by what their workout schedule might be like this time. As expected, the next day there comes a knock at his door. When he answers it there stands a 22 year old knockout dressed in nothing but a pair of Reeboks and a sign hanging around her neck. She is simply stunning, the most beautiful woman he has ever seen. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me." He's out the door like a shot. This gal is in excellent shape and it takes a while to catch her. But when he does, it's worth every cramp and wheeze. She's wonderful, the best he has ever had. He is really looking forward to the next four days... For the next four days, the same girl shows up and the same thing happens each time, much to his delight. On the sixth day, he weighs himself and, unbelievably, he has lost another 20 pounds.

"I love this company," he thinks to himself, I never knew losing weight could be so easy and so much fun. Feeling much better about himself, he decides to go for broke and subscribe to the company's 7 day, 50 pound weight loss program. "Are you sure, sir?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," says he, "I love your program. I haven't felt this good in years!" The next day there comes a knock at his door and he enthusiastically answers it. There stands before him a 200 pound perfect specimen of a man dressed in nothing but racing spikes and a sign around his neck. He introduces himself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If I can catch you, I can have you."

Box office clerk: The orchestra seats are $50, the balcony seats are $25, and the programs are $5.
Customer: Give me a program, I'll sit on it.

There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking, minding his own business when all of a sudden this great big dude comes in and -WHACK - he knocks him off the bar stool and says, "That was a karate chop from Korea."

The little guy thinks "GEEZ" but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden -WHACK- the big dude knocks him down AGAIN and says, "That was a judo chop from Japan."

So the little guy has had enough of this so he leaves and is gone for an hour or so and when comes back -WHACK - He knocks the big dude off his stool and out cold.

The little guy looks at the bartender and says, "When he comes to, tell him that was a crowbar from Sears."

"Guns are not toys - guns are for hunting dangerous or delicious animals."

Visitor: Why are you crying?
Zoo attendant: The elephant is dead.
Visitor: You must really have loved him.
Zoo attendant: No - The boss just told me I have to dig his grave.

Mike: Last year I send my mother and father-in-law to Hong kong
Ike: That was very nice of you!
Mike: This year I'm considering bringing them back.

"Old age and treachery always wins out over youth and skill."

Medical funnies:
After finishing his examination, the doctor looked at his patient and said "I can't find the exact cause of your trouble, Mr. Jones, but it's probably due to drinking too much."
The patient looked at the doctor and replied "Gee, I'm sorry to hear that Doc. I'll come back when you're sober."

Sugar, Salt, Starch, Grease, and Alcohol - the 5 basic food groups!

Patient: Doctor, do I need to make another appointment?
Physician: Yes. Make a date with my nurse at the front desk.
Patient: I'd like to, Doc, but I'm a married man.

I have a weight problem, and my eyes are not that great, so my doctor told me to buy one of those new talking scales. I threw it out as every time I got on it, the digital voice said "One at a time, please!".

If a man says something in the woods, and there are no women there to hear what he is saying - is what he's saying wrong?

Here in California, we have Fry's Electronics, they are always hiring: www.best.com/~braith/frys.htm.

Work like you don't need the money. Love like you've never been hurt. Dance like nobody's watching.

A little boy wanted $100 very badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter to God, USA, they decided to send the letter to the president. The president was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the boy a $5 bill.

The boy was delighted with the $5, and sat down to write a thank you note to God, which read:
Dear God:
Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington,DC - and as usual those bastards deducted $95 in taxes.

The perils of mixing logic and language:
Smith: What is your favorite food?
Jones: A hot roast beef sandwich - nothing's better than that for me!
Smith: Ok, but is a crust of bread better than nothing?
Jones: Of course!
Smith: What would you rather eat, a crust of bread, or a hot roast beef sandwich?
Jones: Isn't the answer obvious?
Smith: Yes, of course you'd rather eat a crust of bread - a crust of bread is better than nothing, and nothing is better than a hot roast beef sandwich.

A yuppie opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the yuppie was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.
"Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeeemer!", he whined.
"You yuppies are so materialistic, you make me sick!", retorted the officer. "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!"
"Oh my gaaawd...," replied the yuppie, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was, "Where's my Rolex?!!!"

A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him. The rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he'd stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do.

The rabbi comes and he and the priest are in the confessional. In a few minutes a woman comes in and says "Father forgive me for I have sinned. I committed adultery."
Priest says: "How many times?"
Woman: "Three times."
Priest says, "Say two Hail Marys, put $5.00 in the box, and sin no more."
A few minutes later a man enters the confessional. He says, "Father forgive me for I have sinned."
Priest says, "What did you do?"
Man says, "I committed adultery."
Priest asks, "How many times?"
Man replies, "Three times."
Priest says, "Say two Hail Marys, put $5.00 in the box, and sin no more."
The Rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he's got it so the priest leaves. A few minutes later another woman enters and says, "Father forgive me for I have sinned."
Rabbi says, "What did you do?"
Woman replies, "I committed adultery."
Rabbi asks, "How many times?"
Woman says "Once."
Rabbi says, "Go do it two more times, we have a special this week, three for $5.00."

The Zen master steps up to the hot dog cart and says: "Make me one with everything" and pays with a $20 bill. The hot dog vendor puts the bill in the cash drawer and closes it. "Where's my change?" asks the Zen master. The hot dog vendor responds: "Change must come from within."

Adam was walking in the Garden of Eden - feeling very lonely, so God asked him, "What is wrong with you?" Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God said he was going to give him a companion and it would be a woman. He said this person will cook for you and wash your clothes, she will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear you children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will freely give you love and compassion whenever needed. She will smile and do her best to support you and always cheer you up when you need it, and not bother you when you wish privacy. Adam asked God "What would a woman like this cost me? " God said "an arm and a leg." Adam said "What can I get for a just a rib?". The rest is history.

If you shoot for the moon and miss, at least you'll be among the stars.

"A man with one watch knows what time it is, a man with two watches is never sure..." - Albert Einstein

"The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than failures, than successes, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness, or skill. It will make or break a company or a home. The remarkable thing is we have a choice every day regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past...we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude. I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it. And so it is with you. We are in charge of our attitude." - Charles Swindoll

"I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my Grandfather, not screaming in terror like his passengers".

Customer: "Waiter, I'd like a lamb chop and make it lean!"
Waiter: "Certainly sir. In which direction?"

Customer: "Waiter, this plate is wet!"
Waiter: "That's your soup, sir."

'They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety.' - Benjamin Franklin 1759

Subject: HAZARDOUS MATERIALS NOTIFICATION
MATERIAL SAFETY DATA SHEET NO. EC36C-24-36 "WOMAN: A CHEMICAL ANALYSIS"
Element: Woman
Symbol: "Wo"
Discoverer: Adam
Atomic Mass: Accepted as 53.6 kg, may vary from 40-200kg
Occurrence: Copious quantities in all urban areas
Physical properties:
1. Surface usually covered in painted film
2. boils at nothing, freezes without any known reason
3. Melts if given special treatment
4. Bitter if incorrectly used
5. Found in various states, ranging from virgin metal to common ore
6. Yields to pressure applied at correct points
Chemical properties:
1. Has great affinity for gold, silver, and a range of precious stones
2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances
3. May explode spontaneously without prior warning and for no known reason
4. Insoluble in liquids, but activity greatly increases by saturation in alcohol
5. Most powerful money-reducing agent known to man
Common uses:
1. Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars
2. Can be a great aid to relaxation
3. Very effective cleaning agent

Tests:
1. Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in natural state.
2. Turns green when placed beside a better specimen.
Potential Hazards:
1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands.
2. Illegal to possess more than one, although several can be maintained at different locations as long as specimens do not come into direct contact with each other.
WARNING: PROLONGED EXPOSURE TO THIS ELEMENT CAN CAUSE SEVERE PHYSICAL, MENTAL, AND FINANCIAL DAMAGE

Is your computer male or female?
As you are aware, ships have long been characterized as being female (e.g., "Steady as she goes", or "She's listing to starboard, Captain!"). Recently, a group of computer scientists (all males) announced that computers should also be referred to as being female. Their reasons for drawing this conclusion follow:
Five reasons to believe computers are female:

1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. The message "Bad command or file name" is about as informative as, "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you".
4. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
5. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

However, another group of computer scientists (all female) think that computers should be referred to as if they were male. Their reasons follow:
Five reasons to believe computers are male:

1. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
2. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.
3. As soon as you commit to one you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have obtained a better model.
4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
5. Big power surges knock them out for the rest of the night.


From the "Most Embarrassing Moments" contest from an issue of New Woman Magazine:

"While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some spent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving *right now*, she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, 'If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!' "The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing! I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter"

One of the funniest "most-embarrassing-moment" stories I've come upon in a long time was about a lady who picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear: "PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX, SUPERSIZE." That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word "tampax" for "THUMBTACKS." n a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom: "DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?"

Microsoft Funnies:

/* Source Code to Windows 2000 */
#include "win31.h
#include "win95.h
#include "win98.h
#include "workst~1.h
#include "evenmore.h
#include "oldstuff.h
#include "billrulz.h
#include "monopoly.h
#define INSTALL = HARD

char make_prog_look_big[1600000];
void main()
{
while(!CRASHED)
{
display_copyright_message();
display_bill_rules_message();
do_nothing_loop();
if (first_time_installation)
{
make_50_megabyte_swapfile();
do_nothing_loop();
totally_screw_up_HPFS_file_system();
search_and_destroy_the_rest_of_OS/2();
make_futile_attempt_to_damage_Linux();
disable_Netscape();
disable_RealPlayer();
disable_Lotus_Products();
hang_system();
}

write_something(anything);
display_copyright_message();
do_nothing_loop();
do_some_stuff();

if (still_not_crashed)
{
display_copyright_message();
do_nothing_loop();
basically_run_windows_3.1();
do_nothing_loop();
do_nothing_loop();
}
}

if (detect_cache())
disable_cache();

if (fast_cpu())
{
set_wait_states(lots);
set_mouse(speed, very_slow);
set_mouse(action, jumpy);
set_mouse(reaction, sometimes);
}
/* printf("Welcome to Windows 3.1"); */
/* printf("Welcome to Windows 3.11"); */
/* printf("Welcome to Windows 95"); */
/* printf("Welcome to Windows NT 3.0"); */
/* printf("Welcome to Windows 98"); */
/* printf("Welcome to Windows NT 4.0"); */
printf("Welcome to Windows 2000");

if (system_ok())
crash(to_dos_prompt)
else
system_memory = open("a:\swp0001.swp", O_CREATE);

while(something)
{
sleep(5);
get_user_input();
sleep(5);
act_on_user_input();
sleep(5);
}
create_general_protection_fault();


"What do you want to reinstall today?"

Here's something amazing to try on the current (as of 8-1-98) versions of MS-WORD:
1) Run MS-WORD (Mac or Windows)
2) Type this: I'd like to see Bill Gates dead
3) Highlight the text
4) Go to Language : Thesaurus - and see what WORD says about what you typed.

Bill Gates wanted to look good and impress everyone with his success. He decided to measure Microsoft accomplishments against General Motors. His comparison went like this. "If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over the past few decades, you would now be driving a V-32 instead of a V-8, could have an economy car that weighs 30 lb. and gets a thousand miles to the gallon. In either case, the sticker of the new car would be less than $50.00"

In response to all this gloating, GM responded: "Yes, but would you really want to drive a car that crashes 4 times a day? GM continued by stating that if Microsoft built cars:


If Operating Systems Were Airlines...
DOSAir: All the passengers go out onto the runway, grab hold of the plane, push it until it gets in the air, hop on, jump off when it hits the ground again. Then they grab the plane again, push it back into the air, hop on, etc.

Mac Airways: The cashiers, flight attendants and pilots all look the same, feel the same and act the same. When asked questions about the flight, they reply that you don't want to know, don't need to know, and would you please return to your seat and watch the movie.

Windows Airlines: The terminal is neat and clean, the attendants all attractive, the pilots capable. The fleet of Learjets the carrier operates is immense. Your jet takes off without a hitch, pushing above the clouds, and at 20,000 feet it explodes without warning.

OS/2 Skyways: The terminal is almost empty, with only a few prospective passengers milling about. The announcer says that their flight has just departed, wishes them a good flight, although there are no planes on the runway. Airline personnel walk around, apologizing profusely to customers in hushed voices, pointing from time to time to the sleek, powerful jets outside the terminal on the field. They tell each passenger how good the real flight will be on these new jets and how much safer it will be than Windows Airlines, but that they will have to wait a little longer for the technicians to finish the flight systems. Maybe until mid-1995. Maybe longer.

Fly Windows NT: All the passengers carry their seats out onto the tarmac, placing the chairs in the outline of a plane. They all sit down, flap their arms and make jet swooshing sounds as if they are flying.

Unix Express: All passenger bring a piece of the airplane and a box of tools with them to the airport. They gather on the tarmac, arguing constantly about what kind of plane they want to build and how to put it together. Eventually, the passengers split into groups and build several different aircraft, but give them all the same name. Some passengers actually reach their destinations.All passengers believe they got there.

Why are Macintoshes losing market share every year?
1) The Mac has been around for a long time and 99% of us loyalists buy off the net or mail order, not from cheesy superstores.
2) Macs and Mac software is easy to use and complete, and don't need as much software fixes and patches, upgrades, or consultants as PCs do - this is a very good thing - with the side effect of not generating profits for millions like Wintel does.
3) The media has little room for covering #2.
4) The media sometimes wildly distorts things (e.g, 70% now approve of Clinton) and gives the impression the Mac is dead or dying, which is not true.
5) Macs last longer, and remain useful longer, so less CPUs are sold (I still use my 030 macs, but dumped my 386-66 PC.)
6) MIS guys have always disliked Macs because they empowered the user, thus lessening the need for more MIS guys.
7) Modern Macs use the same upgrade/peripheral components as PCs. They also can run dual media software (Mac/Win95 CDs). They also can run any Win95 program. Many people with Macs buy Win95 software if it is not available on the Mac platform. This draws uninformed media to the conclusion Macs are not used or bought any more.

Tasteless stuff:
An Italian, an Irishman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction site. The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping," to the Irishman,"You're in charge of shoveling, and to the Chinese guy, "And you're in charge of supplies. "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that pile."

So the foreman goes away for a couple hours, and when he returns, the pile of sand is untouched. He says to the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?" The Italian replies, "I didn't have a broom. You said the Chinese guy was in charge of supplies, but he disappeared and I couldn't find him."

So then the foreman turn to the Irishman and asks why he didn't shovel. The Irishman replies, "I couldn't get myself a shovel. You left the Chinese guy in charge of supplies, but I couldn't find him."

The foreman is really ticked off now, and storms off toward the pile of sand looking for the Chinese guy. Just then, the Chinese guy springs out from a closet and yells: "SUPPLIES!"


Mr. Perkins, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girl's junior college, said during class, "Miss Smythe, please name the organ of the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size - and define the conditions."

Miss Smythe gasped, then said "Mr. Perkins, I don't think that is a proper question to ask me. I assure you my parents will hear of this."

With that, she sat down red-faced. Unperturbed, Mr. Perkins called on Miss Johnson and asked the same question. Miss Johnson, with composure, replied, "The pupil of the eye, in dim light."

"Correct," said Mr. Perkins. "And now, Miss Smythe, I have three things to say to you. One, you have not studied your lesson. Two, you have a dirty mind. And three, you will someday be faced with a dreadful disappointment."

---

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five very old ladies - two in the front seat and three in the back - wide-eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand. I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?" "Ma'am," the office replies, "You weren't speeding but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers." "Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly... Twenty-Two miles per hour!" the old woman says, a bit proudly.

The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error. "But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car ok? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time," the officer asks. "Oh, they'll be alright in a minute, officer. We just got off Route 119."


Joe: Drinking makes you look beautiful.
Cathy: I haven't been drinking.
Joe: But I have.

A passenger plane on a cross the country trip runs into a terrible storm. The plane gets pounded by rain, hail, wind and lightening. The passengers are screaming. They are sure the plane is going to crash and they are all going to die. At the height of the storm, a young woman jumps up and exclaims, "I can't take this anymore! I can't just sit here and die like an animal, strapped into a chair. If I am going to die, let me die feeling like a woman. Is there anyone here man enough to make me feel like a woman?"
She sees a hand raise in the back, and a muscular man tall and smiling starts to walk up to her seat. As he approaches her, he takes off his shirt. She can see the man's muscles even in the poor lighting of the plane. He stands in front of her, shirt in hand and says to her, "I can make you feel like a woman before you die. Are you interested?" She shakes her head yes. As the man hands her his shirt, he says, "Here. Iron this."

"Everything sticks like a broken record - until it goes away"

"I came to America and learned this (about life) from watching your movies: I would have never known all this without watching a lot of Movies":
During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.

All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.
All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.
The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No-one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.
Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night,you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.
If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.
Wearing a vest or stripping to the waist can make a man invulnerable to bullets.
If you find yourself caught up in a misunderstanding that could be cleared up quickly with a simple explanation, for goodness sake, keep your mouth shut.
Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
A cough is usually the sign of a terminal illness.
All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
When in love, it is customary to burst into song.
When confronted by an evil international terrorist, sarcasm and wisecracks are your best weapons.
One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them than 20 men firing at 1 man.
Creepy music coming from a cemetery should always be investigated more closely.
If being fired at by Germans, hide in a river - or even a bath. German bullets are unable to penetrate water.
Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.
Freelance helicopter pilots are always eager to accept bookings rom international terrorist organizations - even though the job will require them to shoot total strangers and will end in their own certain death as the helicopter explodes in a ball of flames.
Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper clippings - especially if any of their family or friends have died in a strange boating accident.
All computer disks will work in all computers, regardless of software.
Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
Action heroes never face charges for manslaughter or criminal damage despite laying entire cities to waste by their actions.
You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.
Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds -unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.
You can tell if somebody is British because they will be wearing a bow tie.
When driving a car it is normal to look not at the road but at the person sitting beside you or in the back seat for the entire journey.
An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight year old child.
Having a job of any kind will make father's forget their son's eighth birthday.
Honest and hard working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.
If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert in Nuclear Fission at age 22.
The more a man and a woman hate each other, the more likely they will fall in love.
Any person driving can tell by a single glance in the rearview mirror that (s)he is being followed, as opposed to the car behind them just "going their way".
The lovable family dog is always able to leap tremendous distances at the last second to avoid a fireball/explosion/earthquake and is therefore saved.
The hero never gets the flu or a cold or any illness that would force him to "take a day off".

Near the dawn of mankind, the humans prayed for help in addressing their problems. The Lord commanded all humans to gather in a giant circle and toss their problems into the center of a giant circle. Then, the Lord told the humans to pick the least objectionable problem from the circle as their new, less objectionable problem. Everyone took their original problem back.

Parden me sir, could you help me? I'm in a terrible dilemma.... Yeah, I don't like those foreign cars either.

Two cannibals were eating a clown, when one turned to the other and said, "This tastes funny".

"A toast to alcohol - the cause of, and the solution to - all of life's problems"

Success: Living somewhere you can turn your stereo all the way up while you are still young enough to want to.

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, "What is this, Father?" The father (never having seen an elevator before) reponded,"Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is." While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24 year old blonde woman stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son "Go get your mother."


Send funny things to funny@markshapiro.com and I'll probably put them here.


Mac users - How to Zap your PRAM: Boot your Mac, and press the Command, Option, P, and R keys all at the same time

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